110- Pet Loss and Grieving with Coleen Ellis
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Summary:
Processing the loss of any pet is difficult. Processing the loss of a clients pet can add complications and uncertainty of how to handle it on both a professional and personal level. Coleen Ellis, Founder of Two Heart Pet Loss Center, joins us to help break down our role as pet care providers, how to care for ourselves while grieving, and help everyone in the mourning work.
Topics on this episode:
Giving permission to grieve
Rules of conversation with a grieving pet parent
Caring for ourselves
Being advocates for higher standard in pet loss and grief
Main take away? Give YOURSELF permission to grieve and remember that everyone’s process looks different.
About our guest:
For Coleen, her foray into helping grieving pet lovers started in 1998 with a chance encounter with a pet parent facing the death of her beloved pet. It was the beginning of a vision of how to best meet the needs of pet parents in their desire to mourn, memorialize and pay tribute to their beloved pets when they die. In 2004, the experience of the death of Mico guided her in starting the nation’s first stand-alone pet funeral home. Soon, publications such as Kates-Boylston’s Pet Loss Insider deemed her the “most well known pet funeral director” and a true “pet loss pioneer.”
Two Hearts Pet Loss Center was founded in 2009 to guide people who wished to do the same in providing meaningful pet death care services in their communities. Two Hearts was also started to aid in being an educational resource in the pet grief discipline. In 2009, she received the first Death and Grief Studies Certification specializing in Pet Loss Companioning by Dr. Alan Wolfelt as well as releasing her first book, Pet Parents: A Journey Through Unconditional Love and Grief. She is also Certified in Thanatology and is a Certified Pet Loss Professional. By 2014, Coleen was ready to take her vision to a new level. Joining Nick Padlo as managing partner and Chief Marketing Officer, they formed an acquisition company whose mission was to standardize and raise the service levels of the pet loss industry. The Pet Loss Center strives to be the nation’s premier pet loss service, elevating the experiential component of pet loss and grief care across the country. In 2019, she shifted her position with The Pet Loss Center to an Advisory/Consultant role in order to focus more fully on Two Hearts and those demanding education, mentoring, and coaching in the pet death care space. She is a native of Kansas where she graduated from Fort Hays State University with a Bachelor of Science degree in Marketing. She currently sits on the Board of Trustees for Fort Hays State University, and is a recipient of the 2018 Alumni Achievement Award, the college’s highest recognition for graduates. Dallas, TX, is where Coleen and her husband, Chris Burke, reside. They share their home with their four-legged kids, Crisco and Rudy.
Links:
International Association for Animal Hospice and Palliative Care
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A VERY ROUGH TRANSCRIPT OF THE EPISODE
Provided by otter.ai
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
pet, pet sitters, grief, colin, resource, people, death, died, care, parents, home, permission, loss, feel, grieving, Coleen, animal, pet lovers, life, big
SPEAKERS
Collin, Coleen Ellis, Doug
00:17
I'm calling and I'm Megan. And this is pet sitter confessional,
00:21
and open and honest discussion about life as a pet sitter
Collin 00:24
brought to you by time to pet. Welcome back. Today we have Coleen Ellis on to talk about pet loss and the grieving process as pet sitters. Now, before we get started, let's hear more about our sponsor. Time to pet. Doug from back to the bone pet care has this to say
Doug 00:47
time to pet has made managing my team and clients so much easier. Our clients love the easy to use app and scheduling features and our sitters love being able to have all of their information organized and easily accessible. My favorite feature is the instant messaging by keeping conversations on time to pet we are able
Collin 01:03
to monitor our team and ensure nothing ever falls through the cracks. If you are looking for new pet sitting software for your business, give time to pet a try as a listener of pet sitter confessional, you'll get 50% off your first three months when you sign up at time to pet.com slash confessional. processing the loss of any pet is difficult. processing the loss of a client's pet can add complications and uncertainty of how to handle it both on a professional and a personal level. Coleen Ellis, founder of to heart pet Loss Center joins us today to help break down our role as pet care providers in the grief process, how to care for ourselves while we are grieving, and how we can help everybody in their morning work. Let's get started.
Coleen Ellis 01:51
I am honored to do that. Colin, my name is Coleen. My last name is Ellis. And I always have to say it that way. Because I wrote them all together, nobody understands and sounds like one name. So clean is my first name. And I actually founded the first standalone pet funeral home in the country almost 17 years ago. And right now I operate a business called two hearts at Law Center. And the entire business is about what we're doing here today calling which is education. And it's also helping pet parent families into giving them the permission that they need and that they want when their precious little love dies. And I'm so excited that we get to be with your group today. And hopefully give them some nuggets as to how they can be of support and be able to get to, to their pet parents with their pet parents might need during really, really awful time. really awful.
Collin 02:47
Yeah, that's that's what we're looking for. And many times we don't feel like we are adequately educated or adequately understand the right ways, as you mentioned, to give that permission, and I want to dive into that. But if I'm not mistaken here, your passion comes from three very special dogs that have a very central part in all that you do. So could you tell us about them? Yeah, you
Coleen Ellis 03:10
know what I'm going to start with the first one, and it's Maiko and I know none of our listeners can see a necklace that I'm wearing. And the necklace I'm wearing is her pawprint. And I wear this almost every day. And it it for me, Colin is a reminder of why I do what I do. And why I do what I do is because of her. And when she died, I came out of the human funeral business. Let me just kind of back up a little further. I came out of the human funeral business. And so I spent the first part of my career seeing and in being a very intimate part on what we do when people die. And so when I was approached in that day that she was going to be dying. I kind of looked around and I said, Where are those operations that are going to handle her and going to handle me exactly like we do want to people die. And I just I didn't find what I thought it should be at all. And I'm just going to say it that way. I didn't find what I thought it should be. And what I wanted is I wanted to have the experiential component for pet parents, I wanted to have this darling, precious little pet funeral home where pet parents could come in and have a visitation. They could have a funeral if they wanted to. Or if nothing else, they they could know in their heart of hearts, that the way that their pet was treated in death was exactly the way that they treated them in life. And everything was about dignity and respect and honor not only the emotions of the humans, but also the precious body of the pet. And so for her, I launched that business and every day every day she's front and center and every day I do what I do for her. And then when Harry and Ellie died it layered on just one Well, two more elements that said, You know what, we still have work to do. And we still have work to do to educate them. And I'll tell you what I mean by that. When Harry died, I did this with Nico because I didn't have a choice. And when Mikko died in the hospital, she was battling lung cancer. And she died on the on the operating table. Or I should say, we, we made the decision to let her go, because it just it the surgery just wasn't going to come out the way we we thought it would. And so we made the decision to let her go. And, and I sat there as a professional in death care services. And Colin I didn't know where to go, I didn't know who to call. And, and I and I, that became really a defining moment for me, because I thought I am in I'm in the I'm in the biz. And I don't know where to go. And so through a couple of phone calls, we didn't find what we what we wanted in our veterinarian, and I'm not shaming her, you know, just didn't provide us an option that we believe was going to be respectful for how she was going to be treated. And so we opted to take her home with us for two days. And it was the most precious and beautiful two days that I could have asked for. I have a mentor, his name is Dr. Alan wolfelt. And in situations like that, he always sums it up beautifully that we take opportunities for visitations, or even even funerals or memorial services. We take those opportunities to listen, listen to this call and to back up and say hello, as we prepare to say goodbye. It was those two days at home with her. We told stories and we did the rememberings. And we did you remember when and Do you remember when you did this, and oh my gosh, she made me so angry when you did this. And oh my gosh, I laughed so hard when we did that for two days. And then when the time came to have her final arrangements taken care of, we found a human funeral home. And so we went there. And it was at they made the comment to me when I asked to to send in their chapel. And they said that you can, they said that make sure you send in the back and don't turn the lights on because we've had a family in here with a real death. And so I thought, Oh my gosh, there has to be other loving pet parents like me, that that want to have their pet taken care of. So anyway, I digress. So we had the two days at home. And with Harry, I thought, you know what I want to do that again, I want to take him home. So I can slow it down a little bit. I can slow it down a little bit. And we can have our time to tell stories and to do a wine toast. And we did the same thing with Ellie. But here's why I tell you we still have work to do, Collin, when I posted those pictures out of our visitation with Harry here at home and with Ellie here at home. And since Crisco here at home, when I posted those pictures out, I had bet nereids I had pet sitters. I had pet parents saying What? Wait, what? I didn't know I could have done that. And I'm like there's still work to do. There's still work to do. So every day it's for them every day is for them and what I do there my Why? Yeah.
Collin 08:22
And as you mentioned there of this, that immense work, what has been the history of death care services for for pets, and why has it been so lacking at to until now as to the work that you are doing?
Coleen Ellis 08:36
I am so glad you asked me that question. So let's stand really tall. And let's look at death in general. Okay, we live in a death avoidance society. I have a colleague and I learned this I have a colleague who says, Why don't we say when I win the lottery, and if I die, I just love that. And so that's how we see things. We see things as if I die, or if my dog dies. And it's no, this is a win. So now let's bring it down into pet loss. You know, we have 70% of our people who have a pet in our country. Okay. 30% don't. So here's the correlation. If I line up 10 people and I tell them my dad died, all 10 of them are probably going to say I'm sorry. If I line up 10 people and I tell them my dog died. I got a chance three of them are probably going to say it's just a dog. It's just a dog. What Why are you so upset about just you get another you can get another? Oh, don't you love that as pet lovers just don't get another. I always say this when whenever I do my my speeches and stuff. I say let me tell you something. I stood by my mother at my father's casket and not one person came up to her and said you're going to get another you should get another. You'll feel better. Right? Isn't that just it is hysterical. Right. I laugh every time I say it, my mother still can't believe it. Believe I say it, but I do so, but it's but it's pet loss is still very much of a disenfranchised grief. And here's what I find funny. I think I find it interesting not funny, I find it interesting that the rules of pet loss and the rules of what we do with a beloved pet from a funeral to to even grieving and mourning, those rules are written by non pet lovers. They're the ones that tell us it's just a dog, you should be over it. It's just a doggy can get another one. It's just a cat. What what are you upset about? Where man, I can't tell you should have put that thing to sleep a long time ago. You know, and they say things like that. And so it's still this very disenfranchised. And when I know and some of our communication back and forth, you made a comment about the word permission. And I'm big on that word, because pet lovers and parents, they want permission. I want to give a little lesson here. Okay. I want to define two words for us. Because I want our listeners to understand the difference. The first word is grief. Grief is what we feel. Grief isn't our belly. Grief is that kick in our gut. Grief is what we feel internal mourning is what you see me do. mourning is grief gone public mourning is is the acting out of grief. Okay, he who mourns mense. So our role, our role is companions. And by the way, everybody listening here, you are now going to be a companion in the journey for those that need you. And our role is going to be this. We're going to give pet parents permission for whatever they want to do. And permission for however they want to feel. And I want to dig into this. We're going to go into feet now calling okay. Want to dig into this. So, permission for how you feel. everybody listening, please hear me on this one. However I feel is it is okay. And is right. Okay, so if I feel guilty, please don't tell me I shouldn't. If I feel sad, please don't tell me that I went the extra mile and I did more than anybody, whatever. If I feel angry, give me permission to feel angry. Don't talk me out of it. Because you think that I did everything? Well, you know what? I need all those emotions. And I don't want you to take them away from me. And I gotta tell you, it's in the thousands and thousands and hundreds of thousands of families that I've helped when they say I feel guilty because of what just happened. Maybe they euthanized. Okay, maybe they feel guilty because they feel like they missed something that that, you know, maybe the kitty cat didn't present anything. And then when they did present, it was too late. Okay? When they say I feel guilty, I'm like, you know what, honey, that's yours. I'm not going to talk you out of it. I'm not going to tell you feel any different. Because here's what happens. When I go to talk them out of it. Do my gut does. My gut says, hey, yeah, how about you just be you'd be quiet, because this is mine right now. And my gut wants to argue with you right now to tell you why I want to feel guilty or angry or sad, or whatever the emotion is. So our first thing is, whatever emotion they have, let them have it. Let them own it. And don't tell them how good of a pet parent they were. Because if if I euthanized Let me tell you what, I feel like crap right now. Okay, so I don't need you to be telling me how good of a pet parent I was, or why I shouldn't be feeling guilty. Let me have it. And then a few days, when I is a grieving parent, when I get to a different place, maybe we can reframe it, so that we can look at it differently. But Colin, that needs to be on my timeframe. Not anybody else's. Okay. Does that make sense?
Collin 14:15
It does. I had a friend once tell me that. Feelings are real. And it took me a long time to really understand. Yeah, they are like they're not just these things to be dismissed both by yourself and and other like they are they are real as tangible things in the universe. And when you push them away, or you tell somebody, oh, it's going to be okay. Or those kind of things. You are actually, you know, confronting a reality that somebody is struggling with at that moment. And yes, they need you. You need to go through that process. Because that's your live reality. That's what's happening to you at that moment.
Coleen Ellis 14:56
Yeah. Oh, that you just put that so beautifully and you know, Here's another way you don't want feelings or feelings want to have happen, feelings want to be felt. So I want to feel it by. And they're meant to be felt so, so we have to get permission to say, you, you be angry, you'd be sad, you'd be mad, you'd be all those things. And you know what my role, my role is a companion, my role is going to be to companion you, I'm not going to lead you, I'm not going to push you, I'm not going to tell you why you should be in a different place than you are right now. My role as a companion is to make sacred space for you to tell me whatever you need to tell me and permission to have those feelings. Now you know what you pointed something else else out a second ago. And here's the other thing that happens, our head gets in the way, and gets in the way. And head says, it's just a dog, man, there's really big things going on in the world right now. And I really shouldn't be this upset. And you're hurt saying, but I am. And then you're in your heart getting a big argument. And it's in. So what I tell people all the time, in the very especially in the very beginning of the loss, get your head out of the way, I don't want to hear from your head right now. I want to hear from your heart. Just give me a heart. Tell me that one.
Collin 16:11
That was you said the rules of loss are written by non pet lovers. And that tends to be what sticks in our head, right. And so we have this 10% or the 30% telling our head what to do while that 70 percents in our hearts struggling to to, to make something of that. And unless as you said, you have that sacred space, you have that permission. Sometimes you have to have that given to you and it doesn't always come from yourself, right? That's the real struggle there is having an external somebody to give you that permission to let you go, you know what you can, you can cry right now if that's what you need to do. You can be angry right now if that's what you need to do, to let that 70% express itself to be felt.
Coleen Ellis 16:52
And you know what, there's, there's this other part too, that says, Colin, I don't want you to get I don't want your emotions get out of whack, because then I'm uncomfortable. And God forbid, I'm uncomfortable. I need to be comfortable. I know this is your loss. But I need to become. That's what that's all about. It's, I'm going to say something that I think is going to be the magic words to make you feel better. And I'm going to I'm just going to lob it across the fence and I need you to take it run with it because it goes I'm really uncomfortable right now. Right? And you just need to kind of get over this. So we just get uncomfortable with people's feelings. I'm sorry, go I interrupted you.
Collin 17:34
Oh, no, not at all. I was I was agreeing wholeheartedly. I was just going to say we've all had that moment where that sympathy card hits on our desk. And then we're asked to sign it. And we sit there and we're like, well, what am I right? What are the what are the three magic words that I'm going to be able to write here really quick? That's going to make this okay for this person? What What can I get engraved? To make this person feel happy? What can I we start looking at that? What are the things that I can tangibly do for somebody to make it all go away? Because as you said, we're in a death avoidance society, and I just I need to go be doing I need busy. I'm busy. I have this stuff to do. So what can I do to get this off my plate?
Coleen Ellis 18:16
Yes, exactly. You know what guy you said, so many nuggets in there, you are wise beyond your years, my friend. So let me tell you something. We are a society of human doings versus human beings. And so it's how do we just be for a minute? How do we just be with those families? I have this thing that I use when I do my public my public talks. And I call it aq. aq, you know what IQ is an EQ? Right? Yeah. So we're going to talk aq, which is animal lessons, animal quotient. So one of the beautiful lessons our animals teach us, you know, when we're sad, what do they do, they sit and just be with us. And they give us permission to have whatever emotion we want to have, they don't talk it out and talk us out of it. They just send it be with us, and allow us the space that we need. When we look to the perfect words, instead of the perfect words. What I want you to do is I want you to share your heart. And for anybody else listening on here, I want you to tell me a story of what you remember about him. That's, that's my motto. That's that's the big thing that I do honor the journey. Honor the story. That's what I want you to do, is I want you to honor my story with him. And so if you're if you're my pet sitter, then I want you to say, I'm going to miss every time I send him a treat. He always had hit it behind the pillow, and then we play the game. I don't care. I want you to tell me your heart and what you're going to miss about him. That's what I want to hear from you. I gotta give you another one. And this one was really, this one was very changing for me. So Sheryl Sandberg, who is in leadership with Facebook, her husband died and I need to go back and see when this was X amount of years ago, and she wrote a beautiful Manifesto, about her grief journey. And it was so raw, and it was so filled with emotion, yet nuggets of learning about a person's grief journey. And here's something I took out of it, that I immediately changed in my practice of talking with with people who have had a loss. And she said this, she said, You know, when you ask me, How are you? How are you? She's like, I'm gonna answer fine, because that's such a big question right now. Right? And it almost sounds silly, doesn't it? But here's what she said. She goes, what I want you to ask me is, how are you right now? Because she was I can tell you how I am right now. That's gonna change in a minute. But right now, I can tell you how I am. I am.
Collin 20:57
And when you ask that question, whenever you are, are with somebody and you ask that question, be ready to have that spirit be ready for that response, not in a like, ooh, shields up, gotta get uncomfortable kind of thing. But in a, they are going to respond how they need to respond. And and that's going to be okay, I need to I need to be open to how they're going to respond. I need to be open enough to when I asked that question, be ready to be with that person as they answer. Right? lightly, not not a flippant? Hey, how are you right now and then be prepared to bolt out the door. That's it, that's a when you when you're asking you, you, you need to be committing yourself to Okay, I'm in this we're going to be here I'm going to I'm going to be not do right now. And I went to be with you.
Coleen Ellis 21:47
And I want you to be an active listener, not a passive listener. So when I asked you how you are right now, and you say to me, I'm really angry right now. And I want you to say back what's making you most angry right now, where's all that from? I want you to be an active listener, not a passive listener. And in when I, when I tell you something that makes you uncomfortable, here's the other day, I want to set the rules for that because I love where you went with that call and the rules on all of that conversation. It is what Be mindful of our Marina, I love Bernie Brown, be mindful of armoring up and if you find yourself armoring up, because you now know I might have to be committed to this conversation. And and here's what I always say to, I'm going to guarantee you there's going to be some things that I will not unhear go on in this conversation. Okay, I can guarantee you. And so it's being prepared for that. And it's knowing that we're going to go when we're going to have a readiness to receive, we're going to be an active listener, we're going to honor the story, and it's going to be their story, not our story. Okay, so if it's clean, have you, you know, was Sam on? I'm companioning you Colin and you go clean? Have you ever felt like this one, one of your dogs died. And then what I say back to you is we all have our own unique grief journey. And I want to I want to hear about Mitzi, I can't wait to hear about Mitzi, I want to hear about the life you shared with Nancy, you know, so it's, this isn't a time for for you to hear mine. If I'm going to be a healthy good companion, we got to we got to let them honor the story. We got to meet them wherever they're at, and we got to meet them wherever they're at. And we got to be Okay, with that space that they need to be in. Right.
Collin 23:42
and impart it in and that really is getting at the, you know, we're not we're not trying to fix anything, actively, right? We're not trying to, by our words by our listing, we're just giving them space, right? That's all we're doing. We need to get out of our own way in that process to allow them to have the space because we we do want to just do and yes it's giving things but it also as we've as I've mentioned of like, okay, you Oh, you say you're hurting Okay, here are the three things that you can do to not hurt anymore. Right. Oh, gosh.
Coleen Ellis 24:16
I softly right now you're killing me softly. Right. Oh my gosh. I and you know what I I get so excited you can tell on this topic. I just am so passionate about it. I want to I want to tell you to I want to tell everybody listening that as you said and you make sacred space. It is not colleges pointed this out. It is not your duty to have the answer. Zero. There will be no answers coming from you. There will be no perfect thing said coming from you. Here's what will be perfect coming from you. The perfect questions. That's all I want coming from you. Tell me about him. Tell me what he loved to do. I've kind of forgotten about Where Where did you get in? I forgotten a story. How did he get his name? I forgotten the story. What what? What role does he play in your house? Tell me those things. I even love asking too, as I'm companioning. And, you know, I, as I looked down at him, I kind of have my own thoughts. But I curious if he were to have a people job. What do you think his people job would have been? Oh, it cracks me up the answers. cracks me up. He can humanize that whole thing. What kind of clothes? What do you have worn? What cut? What do you think his favorite color is? I am fascinated by how many pet parents will tell me what their animal's favorite music is. I'm fascinated by that.
25:48
Of course it is.
25:49
Yeah, of course, they have that answer. Of course, they've thought about it. We all have, right. And that's
Collin 25:57
what I like. What is really neat about that is that that is such part of as you mentioned at the beginning of backing up and saying hello, right. We're, we're going back, because part of that is as as the as the pet has, has aged and gone through their life journey. Sometimes the owner may even forgotten about some of these things at the beginning or forgotten about these little things. Yes, taking that time to go. Hey, yeah, tell me about where did When did you get him? What you know, tell me about that rescue, you know, are they doing like that? All those kind of things is really bringing up those memories. So you can say hello to the dog they know and love the pet that they know and love again and again and again.
Coleen Ellis 26:39
Yes, exactly. Exactly. And just such, you know, I love watching people's faces. I'll be a sad, okay. But I love watching them when they when they get this opportunity. I remember walking down the aisle at that shelter that day. And and they are just foam transformed right back there. And that go funny ear. And that slobbery mouth, whatever it is, oh, what a beautiful time. And like I said, to take that time in for all of our pet sitters on here. Of course, you're probably intimately involved with your families. But let me tell you something, number one to be a resource, and especially at the end with your families in in helping them with the care, helping them by even pulling in I have an amazing association that I am a part of that is all about hospice and palliative care for our pets and end of life. But as pet sitters. What are you doing to help out with their their mobility around the house and and we tweaked our food a little bit and you know, some things like that, that you get to be the resource for and to bring to pet parents. Because let's face it, the reason you're in there is because they need some helping hands. Okay, well with helping hands needs to come information. And so as you bring in this information about you listen, I happen to check into how we can help him get around the house a little bit more because he keeps falling, or he can't seem to get as balanced or we need to raise the food bowls, or we need to line our entire house with yoga mats. Whatever it is, whatever it is, we as a part of the NIH will say it takes a village, right. So we get to be the village that helps these pet parents with these pads. And as we get to the end, and the end is coming. Here's where I also want to be a resource, you know, with COVID right now, it sucks on how we have to say goodbye. It sucks. But, but as I always say there's a can in the cans. Okay, there are things we can do. We can say goodbye at home, we can still say goodbye at the clinic and bring him home, we can still have our time to slow it
Collin 28:57
down
Coleen Ellis 28:58
a little bit. There's no need to rush. And I got to tell you, I'm gonna say it again, the two days that I have with my pets at home, in being able to have that opportunity to wake up in the morning. And know he's still here again. And I still get to pay tribute to him versus having him ripped away from me after after euthanasia, or even after a death. And to just have him gone poof is more than I can bear.
Collin 29:29
Understanding that entire process. Right in going yeah, and I love that that idea that. That commitment to being a resource as pet sitters. We tend to like viewing ourselves and we are we're resources in a lot of other things. So this is another aspect of learning of diving deep into because it's it's going to happen, right? We don't want we again, we don't like saying that. But we are going to have clients that we go through this process with whether We'd like it or not, whether we, whether we want to or not, we are going to be put in situations where we are caring for a pet that is not long ago not gonna be around for much longer. So having resources on hand and really allowing, you know, almost allowing ourselves to be okay with learning about it,
Coleen Ellis 30:18
right? Oh, absolutely. Oh, that was huge. Colin, yes, please be okay with learning about it. Please be okay with that. You have a for your pet parents, you have to be okay with it. Because I need you. Let me tell you something, I could not function without my pet sitter. I could not function without her. She lives in my house when we're gone. I when Harry died, I gotta tell you, I was in the middle. I was going from Dallas to Tampa. And I was probably over Alabama. best I can tell. And she came on, I was on the Wi Fi. And she came on and she said big Harry's collapsed. And and finally after text back and forth, she said Today's the day. So you need to let me know what you need me to do. And I said, Wait a man, I made an about face and Tampa flew right back. And she didn't leave his side. So I but I needed I needed another set of eyes and ears, I needed another resource. I needed another professional as a part of my as a part of my village that helps me with my animals, I have to have that she had to have that conversation with me that said should be hairy die while you're on the road. What do I do? We have to have that conversation you guys, you have to it should be a part of your care package, or your or your, your, you know, assessment notes. You need to have all that information. And let me tell you something, the answer on that as as a resource for all of us here. should something happen while you're away to the animal that's in my care, your end of life provider, your crematory your veterinarian, and those professionals should be able to hold that pet. Because I am insistent that when the family comes home, they get their time to say goodbye.
32:15
And we have to be a resource on that.
Collin 32:18
Having that set up ahead of time so that when we're not in someone, we're in those positions, because they will happen. I know when Megan and I first started out, we cared for several pets that were either on heavy medications and really not long for this world or the owner basically said, If you wake up tomorrow, and they're not breathing, that's fine, right? And her and I looking at each other just big eyes being like, Whoa, what do you mean? I you kidding me? Like I don't even know how to talk about this, I don't want it you make the phone call. If that happens, I'm not making the phone call and just not being able, even remotely prepared for that. Thankfully, nine years later, we have those kinds of conversations right up front with the client and have and and because we had thankfully have not had to go through that experience. But we do care for many elderly pets, many heavily medicated pets. And so we are hyper aware of that. But that took time to learn. And so being being ready, and just making part of your policies and procedures, right? Literally, if you're not wanting to have that conversation up front every time just write it in black and white so that whenever people read through them, they see where you stand and what kind of things you want taken care of. And then you'll slowly become more comfortable with that kind of thing over time.
Coleen Ellis 33:41
Absolutely. And you know what the other thing I want to point out, Colin, for everybody listening here, here's my other recommendation to you go establish a relationship with a crematory, okay, go find the one that you trust, I want you to tour them, I want you to find out how they do things. And that way when you know, I envision fools coming to me and saying By the way, I want you to know that the end of life facility that I am very comfortable with is blah, blah, blah, and so should have something happen while you're on the road. That's who I'm going to be turning to help me.
Collin 34:14
Now again, being that resource going out and doing that, that research ahead of time because as as pets, as pet owners, that's not really first and foremost on their mind. And they may be really uncomfortable doing that they may they may not want to go there at that time. And the last moment, really one of the last thing you want to be doing is making those kinds of big emotional decisions, right in the moment. And then as a pet owner, having somebody being able to slide some paperwork across the table going, when you're ready. Here's some information that I've looked at. And these people are wonderful. I've talked to them. And I want you to know that there'll be there for you. Absolutely. How huge how powerful to that person who is who is who is who is grieving.
Coleen Ellis 34:57
Right and for me what that says for you Is that you? You took the extra effort for me to go do that research and let me tell you something, Colin, I if I've said this once, I've said it 20,000 times, and it's not like we wake up on a bright sunshiny morning and go, so pretty upstanding to go get educated on death. That's what that's what, today's the day that we're gonna load up with a guard. No, we don't do it. It happens like you said, it happens in the heat of the moment. It happens at an awful time. Because guess what, we keep thinking we have tomorrow. We always believe we have tomorrow. Now I gotta give you a funny one. Okay, because this will drive at home hard for us. So I have a colleague in the death care industry, and I love Gail Rubin more than anything. And she has she does death care cafe's. She's a death doula. She She participates in things called have a talk of a lifetime, which is talking about death. She furnish, she's all this kind of stuff. But her tackling for her business. You ready for this? You're gonna love it for tangling for her businesses. Talking about funerals won't make you dead. Just like talking about sex won't make you pregnant.
36:14
Do you love that? Yes. I laugh every time I say it.
Coleen Ellis 36:21
It's true. So for all of your people, because you've kind of alluded to this a couple of times, is listen, here's what I need you to do. I need you to pull your shoulders back, I need you to come up with the agreement. And it sounds like Colin has one which is awesome. And I need you to talk to the families that you're working with. And say, by the way, guys, there's one other area, I need to make sure that I'm covering in my services to you. And it's it's a thing that I don't like either, but I want to talk about should something happen with Mitzi while you're away, I need to know what to do. And when you say it like that, did you hear me say when Mitzi dies, when Mitzi I didn't say that, should something happen? while you're away? I need to know what to do. And I have some things I'd like to recommend. Yeah, I've reached out to bla bla crematory, we together have made an arrangement that they will hold her body until you get back from wherever you're at, which I insist upon. And we've got that handled. Oh, my gosh, yeah, you know what, I may get a little misty eyed. And I may, if anger may hit me for one second, because I don't want to think about it. But I need you to be my resource. Me to doubt me.
Collin 37:39
Yeah, and, and just what a wonderful foot to start out on, if the unthinkable should happen, how much further along in that process they already are. Because all of that's in place. And they know it's going to be taken care of they know the person that they've hired, knows what they're doing. And, and, and can handle that.
Coleen Ellis 38:01
Exactly. You know whether I've got two documents, and I'll shoot them over to you, I've got a what I call a guide to planning ahead. It's a beautiful document that just starts to talk about when the day happens, what are we going to want for arrangements. And the second tutorial that I put together is a bucket list. And so how do we do a bucket list? What can we do in this is always what I tell pet parents, I want to make sure that your end of life walk with your precious love is memorable. And it has all those elements on that are going to create this event that you can look back on six months from now. And you can literally say the end was perfect. The end was perfect. And so that's a beautiful thing that we can bring to our pet parents too.
Collin 38:50
Yeah, it really is, again, just to
Coleen Ellis 38:52
say that the family is out of town. And you are the one that that has to go in because something has happened and you have to be in there. I want you to I want you to even think about that moment. I want you to think about this precious love that has been entrusted into your care. And you know, he likes to eat. And you know, he would love nothing more than pizza. And so if you're the one that's in there, I want you to feed that boy pizza. And I want you to be able to tell that pet parents let me tell you something, he was challenged on a pepperoni pizza and in and give them that mental give them that thing they can't unsee You see what I'm saying? give them that that memory that says I know in his final breath and he was eating a pepperoni pizza. That was that was our big boy. That was such our big boy. Right? Think about those things I was so families when I work with you. I want to I want to help you with things you can't unsee unhear annfield that's what we're gonna do. Right
Collin 39:55
now, a lot of our conversation here has focused on how we can be part of the case Team and be part of the resources to the pet parents. But as pet care providers many times we neglect ourselves in this process. So maybe talk about some differences in in grief between pet parents and pet sitters dog walkers and and things that we can do for ourselves as well.
Coleen Ellis 40:20
But you know what we, we believe we need to get up tomorrow and suit up and get right back at it. Because that's what we do, right? We need to just get back at it. And I am going to say permission and permission to slow down. I was looking over as you were asking me that question to see if I had a bottle in here a soda bottle and I and I do but but our listeners can't see me doing this. So for listeners, what I want you to do when you think about grief I want to give you I want to give you a parallel process to think about it. I want you to think about a soda bottle that gets that gets shaken up. Okay? And I want you to think about grief in that way. I want you to think about grief being a soda bottle that we're shaking up right now. And when I turn that bottle up, and I and I stop shaking it, and I say to you, Hey, I think I'm gonna go ahead and just take this lid off right now. And if you're sitting near me, you're like, No, no, right? So grief is a little bit like that. We're fabulous. At just pushing it down, pushing it down, pushing it down, equivalent of shaking it up, shaking it up, shaking it up. And then something happens where all at once we take that lid off, and and all hell breaks loose, right? But here's what I want you to think about the easiest way to undo the pressure and the grief of our morning work. The easiest way is to do a little bit at a time, a little bit at a time, a little bit at a time. And so instead of pushing it down, I want you to I want you to do the same grief work the same morning work I always make sure that I tell families it's morning work you got to do morning work. Okay, I need to morning is what it is physically doing something even mourns minutes morning makes movement. Okay? So things like what should a cry, what should a screen which is a way to candle, which is a journal, I want you to take some time every night or throughout your day. And I want you to do something that was for him for you and him. And I want you to do little bits throughout your day, or take a few days and do big bits. Okay. Now here's here's also my deal with with us adults. Okay, here's the beautiful thing about children and children are organic mourners, they do it perfect. Because they don't see themselves as adults think. If I give it a good hard couple of days a morning, it's going to be better. It'll be over it. You know, we're like, do it like kids, you gotta be kid, like, you got to dose yourself. Take it in doses. And there's going to be times throughout your grief journey, that you just want to go to denial Island denial islands, okay. You could go to denial Island and hang there for a minute, I just don't want you to stay there. And then come back and do the morning work that you need to do. But knowing a couple things, okay. Number one, we don't get over it. You'll get through it. So don't ever believe you're going to be over it. And especially Oh, and here, my pet sitters, I want to give you this other nugget for support. I want you to think about what I call the year of firsts. Okay. It's that first Halloween that he doesn't get dressed up and sit on the porch. It's that first Christmas that you open the box and you're like, do I hang the ornament? Don't I hang the ornament. It's the first springtime, where it's now beautiful. And we can be going for a walk and Oh, he's not here to go for a walk. Get the Euro first. So we got to be there for support of those. Okay? We've got to do our morning work. We don't get over this, okay. And we and therefore it's going to take me to my next point. We don't resolve in grief doesn't get resolved, brief gets reconciled. So we reconcile it it becomes a part of who we are and their life changed us and their death is going to change us. Now. We're coming full circle here. Okay. Because you started off with a question about me go in and I focus on her when the time is right. When the time is right, as a part of the legacy that they give to you and that they that they were a part of your big legacy in this chapter that you share. What did you learn from them? What did you learn that you know, every day make Nico Nico tells me and teaches me about how to do what I do for the likes of her. And then the humans, the human hearts that were shattered, that I also need to carry those in a very safe and sacred way. And so that's the lesson I learned for her. So guess what, every day I get a think about her. And every day I do what I do for her. So find their legacy, find what they taught you, and then do that thing, do it a lot. And that way they get to live on and want to give you the last one here, because this one's big for us, especially for our pet sitters. And please keep in mind, I want you to bring this into your being, please keep in mind that we're that we are responsible to those we care for, not for those we care for. Okay, we're responsible to them as a resource. We are not responsible for them and taking the grief journey for them. It's their journey to take, let me tell you something, every night I lay my head on my pillow. And I, I don't have thoughts of, Oh, I wish I could have done more. I should have done more. I wish I could just take that away from them. I knew I knew, I got my own stuff going on. I got my own circus of stuff happening. And I don't need, I don't need to have that one. But I need to do is lay my head on my pillow. And say, today, I was the very best companion I could be to Colin. And I helped him with his morning work. I didn't provide answers to him. He doesn't need my answers. This isn't about my answers. But I listened. I honored his story. And I gave him permission that wherever he was at was exactly where he should be right now.
46:50
And I helped him feel safe. No shame. Yeah,
Collin 46:53
yeah, there are so many times where at each step along the way, we feel like we could have done more. It maybe it was we could have provided better care before they passed, and maybe they would have lived a day longer. Or then maybe after they passed, we could have acted faster to get the message to them. There's there are so many times to go back and relive those moments and think I could have done more. And then after the fact, I could have you know, I could have written three better words in the sympathy card, I could have given them a better gift with a better photo that maybe that would have helped. That's I love that of going I'm not responsible for that part of the journey because that already happened. Now. It's It's It's what I'm walking through. And being a companion to them with with where we are right now you mentioned that meeting somebody where they are at that moment is both meeting them. And then part of that is you come to that same point. And if you're not willing to if you're not willing to walk that distance to meet them where they are like and what holds us back is is that guilt? It's that's regret, it's those bad feelings of anger that we can keep us from meeting somebody. And so we have to also be processing that and being and giving ourselves permission along the way.
Coleen Ellis 48:11
Exactly. And you know what else I want to give you? I want to give everybody listening here today, I want to give you permission to cry as well. because let me tell you something, and I tell them Aaron's in vet, Texas that texts this all the time, because that's always a question that I get from from that group. Is it okay to cry? And I'm like, let me tell you something. When I'm down on that floor, snot bubble in everywhere, you better be crying with me, because I want to know you loved him. Like, like, I looked him. Now here's here's the rule. I get a cry the hardest, okay, I get to cry the hardest. But I want to know you cared. And if you've been my pet sitter, since since this thing has been a pop, then you need to, I want to know you care, because I know you care. So don't try to come over here. Tears are not a sign of weakness. Tears are a sign of strength. So come over here and I want you to be with me, and I want you to be with me. And we're going to share an emotion. And we're going to we're going to miss this thing. Okay. And I want you to call and when you call me because it's it's okay to call me when you call me in check in which I want you to do. Okay, was interesting when I started that first pet funeral home 17 years ago, one of the standard operating procedures I had was after every pet that came into my care, maybe that night, depending on the situation with the mommy and the daddy. But definitely the next day. I made a phone call said How are you doing? I changed it now how are you doing right now? And then I called again and I called again and I let him know who's out there and I had this woman one day who profess and I didn't even know her not like your our listeners here who know their clients. I didn't even know the mommy and the dog because I dealt with the daddy. In, I get a thank you card from the mommy. And she says that we're not best friends. And she said, because I knew I got your voicemails, and I would look forward to your voicemails, because it told me if I needed a lifeline, and there was a lifeline out there in the comfort of knowing that I could turn to somebody who without shame, who could make space who could hold sacred space. And who could just let me have whatever emotion I have right now. That's what I need it.
Collin 50:30
Yeah. And and you mentioned that your first that you're going to experience afterwards and both as the pet sitter that your first have, oh, he loved walking in the fall. This was his favorite time. If you're thinking that, I guarantee you the pet owner is also thinking that, so make that call. We call it huge. Hey, I went out for my first walk this fall. And I know how much Tucker loved it. I just want to let you know, I'm thinking of him. And I miss him a lot. And I and and how are you doing right now?
Coleen Ellis 51:01
Right? Love it. I love it. I love it reach out column that was beautiful. If you're thinking they were thinking it. I'm also I'm also a huge advocate of anniversary dates of death cards, a huge advocate of that. And there's simple, here's what I use. It's a card branded to your brand. Okay. And all it says is, I know it seems like yesterday, I opened the card thinking of you today. simple tip. That's it. That's all it is. Let me give you another one for a pet sitters. What if, what if, at one time of year wherever you're at in the country, that's the prettiest time of the year, or most special time? What if you organized a bubble release, and you brought all your families together who had had a loss, and you gave them this group space to come together to support each other. And you, you call it and Megan you organized it. And it was like oh, my God, not only do they care about my pet in life, they care about me in depth for him a beautiful way to stay connected, because let's face it, if if they lost a pet, one of the things you as a pet sitter want to do is you want to make sure that you stay there. So when they re adopt, you're the first one they think of, Okay, we've got a retention play here, let's let's talk business for a minute, we got a retention play, how do you make sure that you stay in front of that family? So if that wasn't only an only pet at home, and now they're thinking about re adopting? You want to be first up?
Collin 52:38
Yeah. And part of that is you mentioned of bringing that community together and that communal grieving space to allow people to, you know, see, part of I'm sure part of that is also helping to normalize that of, of if you ask, if you have a client, that's not really a crier that doesn't really feel like opening up about this, because, you know, we don't do that. Like, that's not something to be in a space where, oh, wow, like, oh, it is okay to do this, I like to bring along that healing journey, just by a simple act of some, some bubbles going out with a group of people who have one thing in common in that they have a loss, like they have pain, whether they recognize it or not, you know, whether they want to feel it or not. And just a simple act, can would be very powerful to somebody who might not know what to do otherwise.
Coleen Ellis 53:31
And you know what it goes right with what you said, who might not know what to do otherwise? And if we can bring the morning work to them, because they don't know what to do. What are the rules of what we do for morning and animal? What are the rules. And so that's where this permission, things come from this permission thing comes back. And again, you know what? We're going to come together as a community of pet lovers, we're going to come together as a community of greeting pet lovers. And let me tell you what will happen. I have a really quick story for you. I had a friend of mine, who had a grief therapy dog, and he died. And they had a service for him. Okay. And it was a human funeral home up in the Wisconsin area. And when they had the service for him that 250 people showed up. Now it was it was the service for for this dog, right. But the people that came in the people that came brought the urns have their own animals, because it was like, Oh, it's a service for a dog. I can bring mine. I'll take mine. So even if as a pet sitter, even if you had a precious little love that died that was in your care, okay. I would also say what's on our all of our pets that have been in your world. Bring all that and let's come together. Let's play Somewhere over the rainbow the Hawaiian version. Oh, love it and throw some bubbles out there and come together with this. This beautiful Community of what what we want to do? Yeah. Beautiful.
Collin 55:05
Yeah. Yeah. To be to be part of that growing community and and to allow people just again, part of giving that space. And and when when you are bringing grieving people together again, like, maybe the person that was supposed to be invited that wasn't okay with grieving was you? Right? Like maybe?
55:25
Yes, maybe
Collin 55:26
that's what needed to happen there. And you didn't know it. But you know, so it's again, it's a safe space for everybody, including yourself. Exactly,
Coleen Ellis 55:35
exactly. Yeah, just so huge. And you know, when we get the we get the opportunity and permission, everybody listening, we get the opportunity to do things like that, do it, do it, because I can tell you, people are looking for it, they're looking at. So let's be that, let's be that and whether you want to know more about end of life, you know, services that you could do, or organizing rituals like that, whatever, we're all in this together. Let's Let's do it together for those grieving pet lovers, especially now, where they're having to say goodbye, and just awful circumstances, let's be a resource that we have to
Collin 56:15
sew on that. How can we as pet sitters be better advocates in our local community or at a national level for raising the standards of pet loss and pet grief?
Coleen Ellis 56:28
You know, I think first of all, I'm going to blink react on the answer to this, I think first of all, is making sure that we are educated ourselves, okay. And you've got there's, there's things within your own communities use me as a resource. You know, we've got a lot of veterinarians, for instance, that are home based, and with the International Association for animal hospice and palliative care, beautiful group, that's all home based a great group that we should be partnering with a great association to learn more of what we can be doing as part of the care team, for, for the animals that are in our care. And I think a lot of it too, is going to be I'm going to go back to learning what we can do within our own community with our resources there. But then how do you build out your own portfolio of value offerings that you offer that encompasses everything from life to death? compresses everything, and then you start from there. We start with your listeners that are here that says, You know what, we're going to hashtag do death differently. Hashtag do def differently? That's what we're gonna do. We have to, because that way that set wrong in my gut and didn't feel good. I don't want that to happen again. I don't want to happen again.
Collin 57:49
Yeah, recognizing that there are things both little and big that I can do. And I like that idea of looking at my own services, what am I offering? If I agree that there needs to be advancement in this? What do I have on my of services page on my website? Well, let's start. Let's start there. And go, Okay, now let's make it No. And then we can work out and bring people in and involve others.
Coleen Ellis 58:16
Yeah. And there's so many people, pet nutritionists, and Reiki, acupuncture as a home veterinarian. I mean, I've my team, my care team is an animal communicator, I've got a home vet on on my staff, my care team, I've got my brick and mortar bed, I've got, I've got my trainer, I mean, I've got this whole care team that includes some things on the outside, like animal communicator, and a Reiki professional, a pet nutritionist, okay, all of those are beautiful things to add to your your portfolio of resources. And what happens then as we go through different stages of life with these animals, you just tweak according to whoever's area of specialty it is, you don't have to be all things to all people and bring those in as a part of your group. Because guess what, those people probably also need you to
59:12
love networking.
Collin 59:13
Yeah. Hey, turns out, right. like nobody can be all things. As you mentioned, nobody can be all things to all people all the time. And so not not only are pet owners looking for a care team for their pet, but we as pet sitters need to have people around us to reach out to to bring in those services, you know, maybe you don't want to go through all of the training to become a nutritionist for a pet. But if you know somebody, I'm sure that they would like some referrals their way and you know, and likewise, they don't want to go through the training to be a pet sitter, but they'll send referrals your way and it's it's being that resource and trying and working to be at the hub of that to bring all these people together so that you are providing the best care possible at all stages of life and including The one we don't like to talk about.
Coleen Ellis 1:00:02
It's exactly right. But it is the inevitable one you'll have to talk about. Because the rest of that stuff, I can feed him kibble all my entire life. I got choices on other stuff, you don't have a choice on that one. Find around it. Get your mind around it.
Collin 1:00:17
Coleen, this has just been so wonderful, I can't tell you how thankful and happy I am that you came on the show today to talk about this to talk about pet loss. And as pet sitters, the things that we can do the simple things that we can do to make that a sacred safe space, not just for the pet clients that we're taking care of, but for ourselves, too, and to allow ourselves to give ourselves permission, I know that there is just so much more to this topic. And there's a lot of different resources out there. So if people want to reach out, get connected and start looking at those resources, how can they do that?
Coleen Ellis 1:00:55
So it's fine, but I'm out on out on social media. So two hearts pet loss centers, so you can find me on Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, I'm going to tell you on my Facebook, don't go to my personal don't friend me, I am incredibly boring and boring there. Okay, go to my two hearts page. And go to that one. That's that one's going to be full of resources full of stories full of nuggets full of downloads, and of course, on my website, which is two hearts at loss center.com there are tons of things out there. I am going to throw in the International Association for animal hospice and palliative care, Ay Ay, ay hpc.org. And I throw that one out there because we do have, we do have pet sitters that belong to our association, but it's also some good nuggets of stuff that that you guys can can lean into, and see how maybe you can tweak some things that might be happening within the home. So I'm throwing that one out there just as a as a side benefit.
Collin 1:01:59
Cool. Yeah, absolutely. I'll include links to all that and more in the show notes that we talked about. And, and I know, I know, you didn't pitch it, but I will let people know that you have some really cool courses on on your website for people to take as well. There's just a, you entered a ton of resources. You mean, there's a literal ton of resources there for people to start looking into here. And whether whether you take something for yourself or again, you are able to send that link to a grieving pet parent who does that at that time. So those are there's a lot of really great stuff.
Coleen Ellis 1:02:31
Collin, I'm glad you brought that up. Because there's two of them out there. And they're free. I've got some that that there's a fee to them. But there's two that are free. One is how to do it virtual memorials ceremony. Please look at that one. And then the other one is how to say goodbye during COVID when maybe we've got social distancing practices and things like that. But I will tell you, there is a boatload of ideas in there that as a pet sitter that you can take to a family and say, Hey, listen, let's do these things. Because this still will give us everything that we need to have a memorable walk, and it will be exactly what we need. So go look at those for sure. Thank you for bringing that up. I appreciate it.
Collin 1:03:08
You're very welcome, Colin, this has been a real pleasure. Thank you so much. Thanks, Colin. As Colin said, the one topic that nobody really wants to talk about is the one topic that we will all have to face eventually and deal with at some point in our careers as pet sitters. I hope you've enjoyed this conversation between Coleen and myself. I know I took so much away from it and I really appreciate her coming on. Let us know what you have in place to have these kind of conversations or how you've dealt with the loss of a client's pet or maybe even your own. You can send us an email at feedback at pet sitter confessional.com. We're on Facebook and Instagram as well. Check out time to pet if you're in the need for some new pet sitting software. And as always, if you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to reach out to Megan or myself. We're here to talk here to help and we'd love to hear from you.
